I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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