how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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