just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm too high and old for this...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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