My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
