How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
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