Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
