yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
