Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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