Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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