I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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