She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
