Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
