A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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