It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
