Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
