i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
