i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
