There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
