I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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