i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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