Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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