I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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