he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
