I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Someone came in the potted fern
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
