I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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