when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
