New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
