Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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