Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
