I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
