At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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