so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
