Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
