Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
