you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
