You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
