on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
