Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
MIDGETS
????
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
