i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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