Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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