she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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