Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
