You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
