a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
