sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
