How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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