Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
