apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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