and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
