i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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