I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
it was like eating out sand paper
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
