I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
