She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
