I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
