The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm like, not good at living.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
